Why did i wear thongs? Why didn’t I fix my toe polish? Is my tattoo fading? Why am I so fascinated with my feet right now?
I’m sitting in the doctors office waiting for my final round of results, the answer to why I have felt like I am 34 going on 90 for the past 6 weeks. I have done all the positive thinking I can about the fact I am definitely going to be okay…… hopefully. But right now here I sit, on the edge of knowing, and all I can think is that I finally understand the saying ‘ignorance is bliss’.
Right now anything is possible. I can believe that everything is going to be okay. I can convince myself that I am probably overreacting, but on the other side of this appointment are my definite answers and all of the sudden I don’t want to know. What if it is the big scary things that I have blocked from my mind? What if this is the way that I am going to feel for the rest of my life? Or the biggest, what if the rest of my life isn’t as long as I assumed it would be……..?
‘Doctor will see you now’ its my time. These are the moments you know that you are not brave, you are not positive, you are really scared. Do I run and live in constant limbo where it is not bad but it is not good, its just maybe…..I went in, the doctor told me that the results are in, I think I held my breath…
Then in a matter of seconds it was over, the answer was manageable and a relief, I could breath again. Also I still haven’t fixed my feet…. but one issue per day is enough right now.